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I still cannot sleep. So I'm messing around with stupid stuff. Five am is going to come in less than four hours. You would think I would be able to just get into bed by now.
Things weigh heavily on my mind and in my heart. That sounds too cliche but I'm too tired to fix it. Whenever I get stressed I feel the need to stay close to my friends. Thank god for Brittany, Kristina, and Lindsay otherwise I'd go nuts right now.
I don't even know why I'm writing in this damn thing.
The only news is that I'm moving on from this one soon.
I'll have a link for my McD's blog, but not the new one.
Sometimes a fresh start is just... necessary. Sorry.
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Wednesday, March 28th, 2007
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I feel like I'm a mess lately.
Anxiety is creeping in, a familiar relative that you just hate to see. I'm guzzling advil and caffeine like never before even though I'm trying to be careful about what else is going in there. I'm doing leg lifts and going horseback riding but spending hours playing Runescape with Jill because I miss her.
I miss a lot of people lately.
I miss Lindsay most of all. I don't know what she'd say to that, and I'm pretty sure I'm past the point of caring. I just know that I miss her. I miss her laugh, her quirkiness. I miss her insights and her caring. It makes something in my chest hurt to think about her so I don't do it that often. I wish we had gone so many more places, and done so much more together. I wish we had gone to the beach together, and kayaking in Canada. I wish I had taken her to the moss in Hedding, the place where the sun filters through the branches and you can just sit on the cushion that nature provides. I wish we had spent more time in Borders together, in the cafe there, talking about books. I wish we had gone to the Day Spa here in Keene. These are things that I wish we had done while we were still uber close. I can't imagine it being the same with anyone else.
I miss Jami. I miss feeling glamorous and intelligent with her. I miss goofing off with sunglasses while waiting for our caramel macchiatos. I miss hitting the beach, searching for sea shells and getting a tan. I wish we had opened up more to each other.
I miss Dan. I miss the way we used to care ridiculously about one another. I miss the unrealistic way we used to talk about the future. I miss believing that I can do anything, if he was just by my side. I miss being a trashy romance novel with him.
I miss my parents. I miss it.
I want to stop time lately.
Just stop.
Let me catch up.
I'm twenty-one. When did that happen? How can I make it stop? Seriously.
Stop. Let me catch up.
I feel like I'm falling behind.
I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going. I feel like I should be responsible and I'm far from it. I'm unstable and just a mess. Could you give me time to catch up and clean up and make everything right again? Where did I go so wrong?
I'm just not responsible at all. Other people can follow budgets, on money and on food, and I just can't. Other people have plans with careers and relationships, and I just don't.
This all sounds very depressing. I don't think I'm sad, but I was never really good at truly expressing my emotions. Anger hid fear, and anxiety hides depression?? I'm not sure. I just feel very nervous and anxious about everything in my life.
This is getting highly repetitive.
Perhaps I just don't want to come to terms with the fact that I'm now an adult. I didn't feel adult when I was eighteen, nineteen or twenty. It's creeping in now, the feeling of being an adult just like my familiar relative anxiety (the relative I hate). I want to talk and talk and talk.
I don't know.
Sunshine?
Brittany. This girl and I have gotten so close that it's ridiculous. Close but independent of each other. It's like no other friendship I have ever had. We can go days without speaking, but as soon as we do- we cling. No one quite understands us. We laugh about things that others do not get, and share this indescrible taste in stuff. Stuff such as shoes, home accessories, and food. We're taking over Amanda's apartment and living together next year. I am so excited. Our apartment is going to be fabulous.
Hedding. I can't wait to get there and spend days in the sunshine.
Argh I'm so stressed. I'm sorry I just can't think of the happiness in my life when I'm just so lost and stressed out. Stressed about school and work and the future. Most of the things that I just can't change. I'm scared.
I'm so scared.
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eak so yeah, spring break and i arent' really geting along. well i mean my mom teats me like i'm swetill sexzteen or something so i've been just humming along, reaidng a lot of books (thank you lindsay) and watching alot of moviwes a lot is two words, but i'm too lzazy to use backspace right now andway tabi and matt and i watched movies and rank so now i'm drunk and tabi hacx my phoen so i waont cal him because caling him would be terrible and i realize that ic ant type anc all that jazz btu really i tdont care or ateahe i care but want to read this wehn i'm dnotj so cxurnk . i'll be surprise d if anyone wels ecan read this later on o rif anyonel com ments on my dumbness. really i'm jus tstupid about all of this adn i really likd him becaust i htought he awsas a god buy but iswasn't and wlell thaT'S Not the poitn the poitns i staht i can't write. i can't write. and i'm stupid. and i'll never get anywhere and life and i'm pretty much sure of that. hahah cna'ts a azmign theat all that canm,e out without a spelling yping error whatsoever. haha.i guess my hands or rather my fingers acan owork when i want then m to. hahahahha. i shoudl be getting to bed. rfurit \pues to make tomorrow cisn ce i dont' eat beff anyomore. stupid fucking sfast food antioan. ranyan wants me to take over this lease but i shdont' think it's a doogos di dda ea toughti iwantn to say in keene isntaead o fmoving ahvbk here or to eping. i lov eryan not hta twsaytn but the other one. tyhemy ryan. my fucking ryan. i lvo ehim b and epolae just don't kevgetg it. fuck i almost bwrote kevin wehen i wans trying to writ epeping. fuck. wathatever. i'm going to say j hi to peoplke becausd ei ithisi is kknidan fiun.
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I was on break at work today and I met a new friend.
his name is mark and he lives right over there and he walked here with his brother and his mommy but his brother didn't walk because he's too young and his friend has this cat that's really mean and gets into the garbage a lot and i'm eating apple dippers, he likes the apples too and would i go with him to the soda fountain to see him pour his drink because he's tall enough to do it for himself and isn't he a big boy now
I was in love by the end of my half hour.
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Saturday, March 3rd, 2007
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First of all, no more eating anything at McDonalds. Okay, okay, soda is fine. But nothing else! Really.
Second of all, I think I'm going organic. No... really. It's just a bad idea to continue eating the crap I am. I keep finding more reasons to eat organic. So organic it is. 90% of the time. Really who can resist Dove chocolate, Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream, Cannolis, or fried dough??
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Thursday, February 22nd, 2007
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I've done this. I've messed up.
I've gotten to the point where I work so much, that I don't have a life. I work fulltime, and I'm messing up student stuff. I just. I am so... such.. a mess. I want to run away right now. I want to leave college, leave bills, and responsibilities, and guys, and the friends that are left, and just... leave.... seriously... leave.
I'm a coward. I can't face this.
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Tuesday, February 20th, 2007
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I shouldn't really consider myself single anymore. That's all I'm sayin' right now.
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Wednesday, February 14th, 2007
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seriously, can someone please give my brother adderol?? please???
i just can't spend so much time with him like this.
tapping on everything, can't stop making noise or moving or anything for more than ten seconds. he cannot sit still. ever.
my head is killing me from having to listen to him.
argumentive, opinionated, and won't be quiet.
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I'm anti-Valentine's Day.
I don't declare that today should be black day. I don't think that it should be abolished. It's not because I'm single.
I like falling in love. I like being in love. I like men. I like romance. I just don't understand why there needs to be one day in the year that my significant other proves his love to me. And what if he were a normal male, what if he forgot, what if he doesn't want to run out and buy a fifty dollar bouquet of half-dozen roses? Does that mean that he doesn't love me? No.
What matters to me is that when I'm down, he hugs me. When I'm missing summer, he buys me flowers. When we fight, he doesn't walk away forever. That's what matters to me. Not that he remembers Valentine's Day, buys me heart-shaped jewelry that I may not like, and over-priced roses.
That's why I'm anti-Valentine's Day.
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Sunday, February 11th, 2007
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there's just something about you that i keep coming back to...
i don't understand it and i won't try to explain it any longer
but i think it has to do with smiling after talking about nothing
smiling when i'm in pain
smiling ...
just smiling.
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Friday, February 9th, 2007
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I've determined that I need two things.
I need confidence. Not just a little. I need to stop pretending. I really need to gain self-esteem and self-confidence. BUT HOW?! Could someone tell me how? Because this isn't like losing weight, I don't have thousands of ideas. I literally have no idea how to believe and have value in myself. I.just.don't.
The second is I need more energy. I have got to figure out how to get more energy.
Energy and confidence. Confidence and energy.
Any ideas??
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Wednesday, January 24th, 2007
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Attention all, the queen of drama and over-sensitivity has something to say.
I no longer feel as though my world is coming to pieces.
The only person this will make sense to is the only person I care about it making sense to. (Did I not just say I am the queen of drama? Geesh, listen better people).
In other news, I think I may give up beef. Not pork or anything else. Just beef.
I can live without another hamburger or steak again in my life.
However, that's not the real reason- I am concerned about global warming.
In a, why haven't I rented an Inconveinent Truth kind of way. In a, beef causes that much carbon emissions?! kind of way.
I haven't decided whether or not I should extend that to dairy. The truth is it would be much more difficult to give up my milk and cheese. But beef I can so do.
Although Fiction Workshop has yet to occur today, I can already guess at the two things I am going to learn about writing when I share my piece in class. The first being, show don't tell. My piece tells a story yes, but it could show a story so much better. The second lesson is that I need to be my own critic. Obviously if I already know this about my story, I should change it before class arrives. I need to be my own critic.
Kimm and I might go a little ridiculous together on Thursday. Och, that's tomorrow night! Well I need to find a way to a certain type of store if that is the case. Sadly, my dear roomie is leaving Thursday night until Sunday.
Cue and I might have a date on Saturday. Excitement is happening here people. Y'all know how I love dates. However an empty room and an attractive male.... that's a recipe for disaster. Disaster of the most pleasurable kind.
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Monday, January 22nd, 2007
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Monday
10:00-10:50 History and Systems of Psychology
12:00-1:20 Archeology and Physical Anthropology
4:00-5:40 Fiction Workshop
6:30-9:20 Introduction to Sociology
Tuesday
9:30-10:50 Psychology Research Methods
Wednesday
10:00-10:50 History and Systems of Psychology
12:00-1:20 Archeology and Physical Anthropology
4:00-5:40 Fiction Workshop
Thursday
9:30-10:50 Psychology Research Methods
4:30-6:20 Research Methods Lab
9:00-10:00 Grey's Anatomy
Friday
10:00-10:50 History and Systems of Psychology
I'm pretty sure I made myself available to work Monday 5:30 AM - 9:30 AM (This week notta.) Tuesdays after 11:30 AM, although this Tuesday I'm only working 11-3. Also Wednesdays after six. (This Wednesday 6-11). Thursdays 11:30-4 (This Thursday, notta). Fridays 1 PM- Midnight (This Friday 3 PM-10 PM). And all weekends, though I have this Saturday off.
Kevin has been sick, but we're hoping by Saturday that he's feeling better. I'm excited to go to a bar finally, and I trust him.
Kristina and I had a long conversation early early Sunday morning on the phone. Her grandmother only has one week to three weeks left to live, and her best friend is a fake bitch. I feel for her. This summer she's going to look for jobs around Hedding, and we're going to hit the clubs together.
Thus, my steadfast devotion (snicker) to lose weight is once again renewed. It's helped by the fact I tend to jog at night lately (though that's probably not safe), and Brittany is bound and determined to go the gym with me. I've been invited to go to hydro class, and I'm terrified of being in a bathing suit in front of anyone, so I'm only considering it.
But the fact is, I kinda love to dance. I just don't look good doing it. So I should totally get in shape so Kristina and I can flirt with guys, dance, and have a great summer together.
Tabi wants to go to the bank, so off we go!
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Sunday, January 21st, 2007
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i'm sick of being unimportant.
i'm sick of being forgotten.
i'm sick of being the person that some people (who happen to matter to me) don't want to live with.
i'm sick of it all.
i'm sick of it.
i want to be around people who want to be around me.
why do i care so goddamn much?
FUCK IT!
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my stomach hurts. i feel like something is wrong with me.
that came out wrong.
i feel like something is wrong with me, as a person. my stomach hurts because it feels like someone sucker-punched me there.
"the only people you need in your life are the people that need you in theirs"
maybe i should follow that more closely.
i'm sick of being unwanted.
i'm sick of caring.
i'm sick of trying.
i'm sick of not being that person.
...
why.
if i just knew why.
maybe i could change.
but fuck it.
maybe i can't change.
maybe i should just find someone who actually likes me for me.
i'm a fucking sweet person....
right?
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Saturday, January 20th, 2007
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so last night i had a visit from miss amanda. surprisingly she's still crazy, but a fun sort of crazy. however, still crazy. we had a good time laughing like idiots and dishing about the juicy details.
tonight i had a moment again. i totally shouldn't. he stopped right in front of me, standing still for ten seconds, smiled, then said bye. wtf?! it probably doesn't help i'm going to get drunk with him soon.
after work i went out shopping with brittany. i have missed that girl far far too much. it's weird to go from seeing someone almost daily, to hardly at all, to quite frequently and then almost ten straight days without that person. she's going through a rough time right now, and i want her to know i'm thinking of her and that and praying things turn out well.
i joined a fiction workshop this semester.
i don't know. i really don't believe that i can write anything special compared to real talent, or even english majors in general. however, obviously i think enough of myself that i would take a three hundred level english course for fun when it could seriously damage my gpa.
i have to write a short story by sunday evening.
i'm slightly procrastinating, which isn't good for me. however, i do have something i can pull out if i can't think up anything good.
i do have a nice little story that's been tossing around in my head, but there's an almost ethical problem i have with it (or is it moral?).
you see, the fiction story would be loosely based on an acquaintance of mine. just her general situation, but the details would be changed.
i have a feeling that it would make an excellent story, however, i'm not sure if it's right to write it.
any feedback?
i'm thinking of having a little tete-a-tete (i think).
tabi sounds like she wants to meet some people, like girls. so i was thinking of having a little get together in our room, maybe some fancy girl drinks and invite a few friends over. brittany, lindsay, allyson(?) (for lindsay).. and others. i'm not sure though. i always go overboard on these types of things, and i'd really like to just throw things together at the last minute. i guess i'm more of a perfectionist than i thought.
either that or i just don't believe if i give enough notice that anyone will show up.
oh well.
life goes on.
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Friday, January 19th, 2007
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i have like no friends. haha, or rather that's how i feel right now. it's friday night at almost ten pm, d'uh i guess you already knew that but anyway, it's friday night and i'm sitting in my room alone. i am such a loser.
it's not that i don't want to go out. i do. i just don't have anyone to go out with.
why is everyone else so not socially awkward?
boy i suck.
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Tuesday, January 16th, 2007
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Monday 9:00-9:50 Introduction to Computer Information Processes 10:00-10:50 History and Systems of Psychology 11:00-11:50 History and Systems of Psychology 12:00-1:20 Anthropology 1:30-2:50 Anthropology 3:00-4:20 Speech class 4:30-5:50 Speech class 6:30-9:20 Introduction to Sociology Tuesday 9:30-10:50 Research Methods in Psychology
Wednesday 9:00-9:50 Introduction to Computer Information Processes 10:00-10:50 History and Systems of Psychology 11:00-11:50 History and Systems of Psychology 12:00-1:20 Anthropology 1:30-2:50 Anthropology Thursday 9:30-10:50 Research Methods in Psychology 11:00-12:20 Speech class 4:30-6:20 Research Methods in Psychology Lab Friday 9:00-9:50 Introduction to Computer Information Processes 10:00-10:50 History and Systems of Psychology 11:00-11:50 History and Systems of Psychology
McDonalds Availability Monday: none Tuesday: 11:30 AM -10:00 PM Wednesday: 4:00 PM-10:00 PM Thursday: none Friday: 1:00 PM-10:00 PM Saturday: all availability Sunday: all availability
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One class added, five more to go.
Yay...
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Monday, January 15th, 2007
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well i'm back in the dorms, not happy with my parents, searching for a new job, and trying to get my classes back.
i'm not emailing ryan, being grateful for my friendship with brittany and what an awesome friend she is, and plotting to see my hedding friends soon.
i'm happy that tabi is moved in with me, although missing serena's presence, and wondering when i'll ever get to go to a bar.
i'm missing a guy, and wanting a hug.
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simply_shandra's journal
in love.
chipper.
awake.